10 pm.

10 pm and the light’s still shining her room. I can only see her silhouette behind that thin blue curtain. If only there is no curtain covering her window, maybe this longing will be vanish for a while just by seeing her beautiful face.

I only love two women in my life. My mother. And her. And both of them are already leaved me. My mother died when I was 15. And she left me 3 years ago. My mom always said that women were created to be loved and protected. 

“Women were not made by men’s feet, because they weren't made to be stepped upon, and women were not made by men’s head, because they weren't made to top them, but women were made by men’s rib, close to hand to be protected and close to heart to be loved.” That what’s she taught me since I was 7 years old. And that was exactly what I treated women like.

Things were not change too much when she came to my world. But my world became so much different when she left. Just like the old says, we never know what we've got ‘til it’s gone. No, I knew exactly what I had, but I just thought I'll never lose her. I will never know the reason why she is leaving.  It wasn't for another man.  Not for another perfect person.  It just because herself. Maybe there’s something that she hid from me.

My heart breaks each time I remember her. My heart breaks each time I saw an empty seat beside in my car. My heart breaks each time I heard her favorite song. My heart breaks each time I watch her favorite commercial break. My heart breaks each time I drive along the city. My heart breaks each time I realize that she doesn’t belong to me anymore.

Pieces of my heart is just too small to be called piece. Nobody could fix it. And I won’t let anybody touch it. I don’t need my heart if I’m not with her. 

Seems like every corner keeps her memory. The way she laugh, the way she bite her lower lip, the way she huddled up my waist, the way she drank her lemon tea, the way she hold my hand, the way she tried to cracked me up, the way she spoke when I called her in the middle of the night, the way she stamped the ground every time she got mad. The way she turned her face when the tears flow out that day. 

Now I’m sitting here. Behind this steering wheel. Hiding my black car in the shadow of the tree. Watching her window. Hoping she will open up the curtain and showing her beautiful smile. Just hoping. 

1.15 am. Finally, the light is turned off. 

Sleep tight my little princess, you don’t have to dream tonight. I wish I was there giving you a goodnight kiss.

Bip...bip....

Bip...bip...

“Yes...”

“Where are you my party animal? This party won’t start without you here.”

“Hold on. I’ll be there in a second”

“Okay dear... Can’t wait to spend this whole night with you. See you soon!”

Click.

I only love two women in my life. My mother. And her.

by Carry, written about 3 years ago